Last Day: If This Vans A-Rockin’…

…it’s because the roads in Michigan are crap! Worst roads in the country by far.

Hey team, I’ve been relaxing and enjoying not driving for the last few days and haven’t felt like writing anything. Also, I’m not too proud of Milwaukee defeating me so dominantly. Breakfast was six ounces of liquor, lunch was two brewery tours and dinner was three more brewery tours. Needless to say, I got quite ill and totalled our hotel room. Waking up early to drive the entire day was also not enjoyable. All made worse by the dreadful road conditions in Michigan. But we made it – we are back in Canada and back home. Next is more relaxing and then moving into our apartment in Hamilton on Wednesday. Things might be a little hectic for this next week so I’ll write if I get the chance. Don’t expect too much though.

To everyone in Vancouver: it was great to meet you all and I look forward to reuniting someday.

To everyone in Ontario: I look forward to seeing everyone in the coming weeks.

To everyone else: Drop me a line if you’re ever in Hamilton!

To everyone not reading this: I can’t believe you’re not reading this!

All the best everyone, see you soon!

h.

Beer: Cause Of (& Solution To) All Of Life’s Problems

I’m pretty sure there’s a classic Simpsons quote for any situation. I guess after four hundred some-odd shows that that would make sense, but as I have returned to the pilot and have decided to slowly work my way though the pantheon of episodes, one by one and in order, I can say there’s nothing quite as funny as classic Simpsons. I like American Dad and Futurama, but they both aren’t laugh out loud funny. More of a smirk or sizeable grin funny. Family Guy was funny until I realized it’s the same joke with a different punch line every time (or is it a different joke with the same punch line?…I don’t know. Whichever it is, it got old). South Park had a great stretch a few years ago and really defined what excellent toilet humour could be. But they’ve sort of lost it for me recently. And I’m sure I’ll feel the same way with The Simpsons as I plow through and past the first twelve seasons. But until then, I’m going to enjoy a slice of childhood and really what I consider to be the funniest show I’ve ever seen.

But we’re here for beer, not cartoons (though the two go well hand in hand). I was going to write this blurb up yesterday, but my brain’s functioning capacity was near zero. I was a zombie – a hollowed out shell of a man. I can’t believe I functioned. But how did I get there? Well, let’s dial this back to Tuesday evening, shall we?

After my quick spiel for you fine folks, it was off to UBC to see the law department’s variety hour. There was cheap beer and lots of laughs, so that was good fun. Some of the jokes I only understood because I’ve been listening to my girlfriend and her friends complain about these things for the last three years, and some I just didn’t get at all. Luckily there was a hefty amount of toilet humour and penis jokes and those are always winners in my book. It was also nice to see GFT get on stage and do a bit of acting, as that was a big part of my high school years and something I didn’t know she enjoyed as well. All in all, everyone did a great job and even though I probably only understood half the jokes, I still had a great time. Then came the cast party.

Cast parties are always a ramshackle of a night. Every one I’ve ever been to I can’t remember most of. This one was no exception. I was well equipped with my new beer (Alexander Keith’s ‘Signature Hops’ series) and we made our way out to the bus. From here I know I can review the beer (because I said I would, so I made notes) and not much else…  The beer is interesting. It’s supposed to be more of a traditional India Pale Ale and nothing like the “IPA” they brew now (in fact, the “IPA” they brew now is more lager than anything, but because of historical precedence, they can continue under the guise of IPA… don’t worry, it’s a beer snob thing). This is both good and bad. The bad is because to be honest, it’s a mediocre IPA. The good is because since moving to Vancouver, we have discovered what a true IPA is, and we are beyond enamoured with it. That being said, when we left Ontario, there was nothing even remotely close to a traditional IPA available, so if this beer is readily available in Ontario, then it will at least be a close resemblance to what we’ve learned to love out here (but now that Molson has purchased Granville Island Brewing and started distributing its beers around the country, hopefully it won’t be too long before the green labeled Brockton IPA makes its way to Ontario too).  Calling itself ‘Hallertauer Hop Ale’ (IPA’s often distinguish themselves by the strain of hop they use, as opposed to lighter beers using the generic term ‘hops’, along with barley, yeast & water), it comes in at 5.4% ABV which is more in line with traditional IPA’s, which are stronger than other beers. The nose is much more floral and vibrant than the regular Keith’s, though the flavour is much more mellow than the IPA’s we’ve become accustomed to. Hints of spice and fruit with a tiny bit of tingle on the bitter part of the pallet are all in line with what an IPA should be like, but all in a very subdued manner. Again, a beer I will be happy to drink at home if there are no other traditional style IPA’s available. Until then though, bring on the Fat Tug, Hopocalypse, Total Eclipse of the Hop, Steamworks Double IPA and all the other wonderfully intense beers that the west has introduced me to.

As for the rest of my Tuesday? Well, I put on a flip-cup legal clinic, there was a lot of dancing & make shift karaoke and at some point all the buttons on my shirt got ripped off. I left early knowing I had to work the next day and the others kept going until who knows when. I had a few solid hours of blackout sleep, and was definitely a contributing member of society the next day……..

Needless to say, it will be an easy few days off in anticipation of my liver’s least favourite day of the year: St. Patrick’s Day.

Until then, prost, siante, na zdrovye, cheers and all the rest…

h.

9

Sorry all, cramming my days full of touristy whatnots while Roommate, The is still in town. Everything will be documented so have no fear, just keep checking back!

Day 7: (Banff Part 2; Bear Watch 2011)

Day 7 started with something that made my heart hurt – snow. I pulled back the curtains to see giant white fluff falling from the sky: about two inches by the end of it. Day 7 also did not start so well for me. Unfortunately I consumed one too many cocktails and had made fairly good friends with the porcelain by the time noon rolled around. Roommate, The went for a nice relaxing spa experience and Girlfriend, The enjoyed every moment she could of our first day being able to sleep in. After finally fighting down some ibuprofen, I managed to expand out of the fetal position and put my big boy pants on. Off to lunch.

Lunch was at the world-renowned Fairmont at Banff Springs. Everyone we’ve talked to mentioned if in Banff, try to grab lunch over looking the golf course. So we did. An absolutely stunning building and property, the Banff Springs Hotel was visually everything it was built up to be (I’m not sure if there’s a pun there or not, but you know what I mean).  Once inside, we were directed by the doorman in kilt and jacket to the location of the restaurant. We lucked out immensely, grabbing a table right in the atrium over looking the golf course – which was situated in a valley between three mountain peaks. Impressive. When our waiter finally moseyed on over, he did a mediocre job of informing us about the hotel and the food. He then left us to our own devices and rarely returned for the rest of the meal. Roommate, The ordered an intense Mojito, and Girlfriend, The and I stuck with the mocktails, especially with the way I was feeling. I had a homemade ginger ale, which was delectable. Probably the best part of the meal for me. Appetizers came and were consumed with Roommate, The’s crab dip being the best of the three. Mains followed shortly thereafter and were really nothing too spectacular. Oddly enough, the highest recommended restaurant was my least favourite thus far. Had it not the view it did, I doubt very much it would be so highly regarded.

After lunch, we popped outside on the terrace to be touristy and snap some pictures. Afterwards, we went back inside and checked out the mini museum to see the history of the hotel. I tucked out to call my mother, as it was mother’s day. After all was said and done, we split from the hotel and headed up to Sulphur Mountain to take a gondola ride. The gondola was pretty neat. It was a slow build like the beginning of a roller coaster – except it went up for 10 minutes and there was no major drop. Once at the top, we went up to the observatory deck to grab some pictures, but these were limited due to the thick layer of fog and snow at the top of the mountain. We then went on a boardwalk ‘hike’ to another observatory. We were told that it was closed due to snowfall, but that was not going to stop us from getting some cool pictures. We hopped over the ‘do not cross’ sign and snapped a few quick pics before scurrying back to the safety of the accessible area. What rebels we were.  The ginger ale, two waters and coffee I drank then caught up with me. Seeing as we were already being rebellious, I figured I could cross something off my bucket list: peeing at an altitude above 7500 feet, check.  Relieved, we went back to the gondola station to head back down the mountain.

At the base of the mountain we found a magazine of local things to do. The two boys read it while the girl went to the restroom – somewhat embarrassed about what we did at the top of the mountain and upset that she had to wait the 15 minutes to get to the base. In that magazine we found an ad for a surf and turf place that had a lobster special on Sundays. Score. Before we investigated further, we tried to check out the hot springs. Turned out to be not that interesting. Next we tried to check out the ‘cave and basin’ but the road was closed for construction. Lame. So we puttered back to the hotel and called the restaurant about reservations. Lucky we did, as we were able to reserve three of the last four lobsters they had. After changing into slightly more appropriate outfits, we hopped on the Trans-Canada and boogied down to Canmore to get some sea treats. While we were driving around Canmore looking for the joint, the van rolled over the 5000 km mark. Still another day of driving ahead and we already reached 5000 km’s travelled! Awesome.

We finally found the restaurant, “The Wood” and went inside. As soon as we walked in the waitress guessed it was the lobster callers and sat us down. Knowing what we wanted for a main, we all decided on appies. Duck and brie spring rolls, shrimp tacos, and crab and artichoke dip arrived and were consumed quite quickly. So far, so good. This was followed by whole lobster and 5 oz. steaks. Another bucket list moment for Grilfriend, The who had already crossed one off by firing a gun, now was able to check another by cracking and eating an entire lobster for the first time.  Dessert was out of the question. We were three full individuals. What next on our Canada adventure? Well, we were only 20 minutes away from another casino, so why not gamble in another province. This adventure had a little more balance, and a little less luck: one of us lost, one of us won and the other broke even. Not bad. The not so fun part of this trip was the drive back to Banff. It wasn’t quite raining and it wasn’t quite snowing, but whatever was falling from the sky was coming in at such an angle it was almost as if I was driving the Starship Chevy Enterprise and we were going warp 10. It was enormously difficult to drive. The speed limit was still 110 but I doubt I could push it past 80 without fearing for my life. However, I’m still alive, so we made it back safely. Good night Banff, part 2.

H.

Ps. No bears 😦

6

Oddly enough, I seem to be getting more and more detailed the farther we go. Maybe more things are happening. Maybe I’m just getting bored in the car. Either way, enjoy.

Day 4:

Ugh. What a miserable start to the day. Kudos to Girlfriend, The for getting some sleep and volunteering to take the first leg. The other three of us decided to nap and nurse the wicked hangovers incurred on our boys night. I wish I could say I enjoyed Saskatchewan but unfortunately the first half was driven when it was dark and the second half I was trying to sleep off the headache. But, what I was able to see I very much enjoyed. With nothing to look at on the ground, the sky became the focal point and wow was it ever beautiful. Before I went to sleep, we made a stop recommended by a dear friend, Steve Hogg. He had told me that one of his favourite places in Canada is Belle Plaines, Saskatchewan. An endless horizon was what I was promised and it was delivered. Maybe Steve had some different circumstances as to why he thought it was so beautiful, but it was not quite what I expected. However, the more I reflected on it, the more I realized how interesting the place was. It seemed to be a railway hub at some point, but now it was a small village on the outskirts of a major city; a haven for gravel roads and pick-up trucks, a graveyard for old Canadian National railcars ravaged by the Prairie winds. Next came Moose Jaw, which brought the sweet delicious coffee we all desperately needed. It also provided us with some anatomical humour, which, when I figure out my photo situation, I hope will be as funny for you as it was for us. Then came my pillow.

When I was able to wake up, I immeadiately felt the plight of the Saskatchewan farmer. Water everywhere.  There was even an argument about a lake we passed because Roommate, The felt it was a real lake, whereas the rest of us noticed small details like, a fence running through a portion of it, or a highway dividing the middle of it. Hm, flooding or a lake? We needed a local. Luckily, we also needed gas. So we pulled off in Morse to fill up. When the attendant came out, I proceeded to make small talk. What I discovered was that many years ago it was a lake, but over the last five years, it had dried up gradually until last year there was no lake at all. My jaw must of dropped because it was a fairly sizable body of water. No Superior or anything, but decent enough that at least three or four farms are going to take a serious hit. If anyone in the Prairies happens to stumble upon this blog for any reason, accidental or not, I wish you the best of luck in the upcoming season, I feel  you will need it.

Coming into Alberta, the speed limit remained 110 (god love the Prairies), and the terrain became an interesting mix of what we had previously seen. There were hints of Ontario nestled in amongst the Prairie flatlands, and a few more trees than what we had been seeing in Saskatchewan. The first major port was Medicine Hat where we grabbed lunch and Girlfriend, The was able to get out of the drivers seat. With the goal ultimately being to make it to Drumheller before the museum closed at 5, we really had to boogie. Luckily, Alberta roads were clear and ready for us and we were able to make in time. Prior to our arrival, we were driving through what the signs called, “the Alberta Badlands.” Bad lands? More like badass. It was like the Prairies on steroids. Not quite flat, but not quite hilly. Not much growth, but plenty to look at. Cows everywhere. The occasional “oil donkey” as Dr. Mrs. Beebs describes them (which I think is a great term for them, by the way).  While no where near as nice as the drive through Northern Ontario, the badlands were interesting enough to get us through the 4 hours to Drumheller.

Now Drumheller, that was something else. Even more pronounced than the change from the rocky hills of Ontario to the Manitoba prairie, the badlands exploded into the Hoo Doo trail with the climbing of a single hill. It was unbelievable. I can honestly say I’ve never seen anything like it.  As we barreled down Highway-56 we started to notice a few more hills. As we got to the biggest of them all, we knew we couldn’t be too far from our destination. As we rolled past the zenith of the hill we all started freaking out about what we were seeing. What was even more pronounced was the fact that one side of the hill was Prairie and the other was Grand Canyon. I want to try to describe what I saw, but I can’t. I’ve been sitting here for about 15 minutes trying to choose the best words but I can only say that you’ll all have to wait for me to figure out pictures. The city was just stunning.

Our next stop was the Royal Tyrell Museum, regarded by the world as one of the premier dinosaur exhibits found anywhere. We made it in time to get in, but we quickly realized 2 hours is nowhere near enough time to experience this place. They had a fossil lab with windows and cameras so you could watch archeologists and paleontologists cleaning and preparing new pieces for the exhibits. There were several specific body parts such as teeth and claws that were displayed, and I did my best to get my hand near enough to put the size of these things to scale. Again, sorry, but I’ll try to get pictures up as soon as I can. And the T-Rex. King of the Dinosaurs? Yes. King of my heart, too. If you want some perspective as to the size of the skeleton, if I curled up in the fetal position, I’d easily fit in the mouth. Very easily. Absolutely massive. Making it all the better was that Bandmate, The has been taking biology classes at university and was able to give us some cool information about the skeletal structures and even about how some of the animals would have died. I got super jacked when I noticed there was a small exhibition about Charles Darwin, who is one of my heroes. Although it was a small part compared to the rest of the museum, there was some phenomenal info about his life, his work and the evolution of evolution. I even got to see one of his notebooks from the Beagle. Super cool.

From Drumheller, we set off to Calgary where I have some family who so generously offered to feed and house us for the evening. On our way, we encountered two fires: one in a field, the other in a dumpster. Not literally in a dumpster. Let me explain: Roommate, The began using a phrase awhile ago to describe a moment of pandemonium, a synonym for “cluster [expletive].” This phrase is, ‘dumpster fire.’ We encountered this dumpster fire when without warning, the highway stopped being paved and we entered 13 kilometers of gravel road. Needless to say, my car was not pleased. She made it though safely, but she may need a tune-up when we get to Vancouver. The second fire was a little less easy to describe. In fact, we still don’t know what it really was. It almost seemed like it was an underground gas fire. The air smelled of sulfur and there was smoke billowing from the ground, but no one could actually see flames. Odd. But we made it to Calgary in one piece.

Calgary. I don’t know what I think of Calgary. Beautiful city? Sure. A massive urban sprawl reminiscent of Mississauga. Confusing city? Hells yes. After missing our turnoff, we had to turn around and we decided to go through some of the city rather than take the highway. We first made it to a cookie cutter subdivision called ‘Tuscany’ (which we later found out is where Mr. Harper [the deer killer] lives). Now this where I get frustrated. There were 12 streets named Tuscany. Tuscany drive, Tuscany street, Tuscany boulevard, Tuscany crossing, Tuscany McTuscaningtonville. Annoying. Rocky Ridge was no different. When my cousin sent me her address we put it into our GPS and I’m pretty sure it had a seizure and started smoking. I won’t get into too much detail, but to get to her house we turned on to Rocky Ridge, then on to Rocky Ridge. From there, we took a different Rocky Ridge to get to yet another Rocky Ridge. Once there, we crossed two more Rocky Ridge’s before finally ending on Rocky Ridge. We made it. My sanity didn’t, but we physically did.

After a wonderful home cooked meal, we all crashed hard. Probably the first time we made it to bed before midnight.

Up at 8 to meet a friend for breakfast and then off to Edmonton.

Distance travelled – 965 km

Time Travelled – 10 hours (no stops)

H.